I feel compelled...

I understand now that I haven't been putting a full effort into my fitness goals. I still hadn't yet abandoned myself to it totally. I needed to approach this with a level of psychotic determination I have rarely put forth.

I can feel it now.

I'm there.

I feel a fire in my chest and it's stoked by my self-loathing. A burning rage that feeds off of my failures. I don't have the words to properly describe it. There is a clear goal, it's quantifiable and I know what I need to do to accomplish it.

There are no one word solutions.

• Breakfast: 1c All bran fiber with *Psillyum* (210cal 36g fibre), 1c Skim milk (90 cal) [total 300cal]
• Lunch: 2c Perfect Asian Stir fry (600 cal)
  
• Snack: Protein shake (1/2c Raspberries, 1/2c blueberries, 1c skim milk, ice, 10g L-glutamine, 2 scoops GNC Whey ISO Burst) [total 350 cal with 45g protein]
• Dinner: 250ml 80% yolk removed omega-3 eggs (225 cal), 1/2c sweet salsa (100 cal), 1/2 red pepper (30 cal), 1/4c shredded low fat cheddar cheese (115 cal), 2 slices sprouted wheat and flax bread (120 cal) [total 590]
• Daily Total = 1840

MMA today with lots of conditioning. I threw almost 300 punches, learned a new muay thai kick defense which also tied into another defensive move: redirect the kick and counter attack it with a inside low kick to the calf or redirect it to the side putting your opponent off ballance and then transistion to rear choke and then to ground on your back with your feet inside their legs. We practiced another choke from side control and then the triangle choke before wrapping the class up with free form grappling starting from side control. I have all this body weight so if I use it properly by increasing my stability and surface area while conserving strength by relaxing to nearly dead weight on my torso I'm extremely effective in side control.

"When you're talking to me you see right through me."