I guess it's a constant cycle for me, peel it off and put it back on, year-in and year out. Here is where I should make some self deprecating comment on how "I can set my watch to it" each year but I'm too tired for that shit. Back to quite literally "do or die". I wonder how much longer I can keep this up.
The worst thing is, the older I get the better life is. How come no one told that fat, buck toothed 12 year old that when he grew up everything would be fine. That he would have a beautiful wife that loved him for who he is, that he would have a great career at a top video game developer, that he would be closer to his family then ever even though the dynamic and relationships have changed over the years, and that he would accumulate a group of loyal and wonderful friends to share his life with.
I could go on, listing the reasons my life is wonderful and worth living to the fullest but I hate to sound like a braggart. Instead I'll reaffirm that I have more than ever to live for and that I owe it not only to myself but the people that love me to get healthy. Beautiful and attractive aren't the goal, in my heart they never were. Vanity is a poor motivator because one you stop feeling lousy about yourself the mind is excellent at manufacturing reasons things are "good enough" to not push forward. I know my addiction, my disease and I'll keep fighting it.
All that to say: I'm starting again. Because there really isn't a choice at all anymore.
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