This is your life...

I'm going to wallow in self pity for a minute here. This is just weakness from a weak man. Pay it no mind.

I try to think positive. I do. Remain upbeat... I try to lock down my self destructive behavior. I have supplements to help me along but I'm scared to take them.

I have a serious problem with eating. I can't stop when I should. I don't eat the right food, I don't exercise to any real extent and then I wonder why I fail at weight loss. It's been a lifetime of self destruction and loathing. I have a goal to lose just 20 more lbs and it shouldn't be that hard to focus one's energies on doing so.

But at this rate I'm not going to do it.

Monday to Friday *generally* I eat 5-6 meals per day and keep my consumption around 2000 calories. Not bad. Saturday and Sunday I *LEAP* off the wagon, gleeful in my self indulgence, and undo a weeks worth of work.

I need to make a choice and not be swayed by the lack of support from my family and friends. Despite how often we discuss it my fiancee doesn't understand that constantly bringing baked goods, chips, and cookies into the house and leaving them at an arms reach is the same as bringing a recovering alcoholic a bottle of booze.

"Have you ever heard of will power?"

Yes of course I have... I just don't have any.

The strange thing is I do it unconsciously. I would eat the entire tray if I could, I would eat a box of chocolate chip cookies mashing each one into my maw, not even really tasting them after the second or third but still purposeful in my consumption. The sharp pang of guilt that accompanied the first few fading as I surrender to it. Well worn rationalizations offering themselves to me with little difficulty. "The day's wrecked now, might as well go for it."

I just need a little help. Just a little. I don't need cheers, I don't need praise or comforting words when I'm hurt. I don't even mind having my efforts marginalized. My small victories ignored. I can go it alone, it's better that way. Just don't leave the tools I need to destroy myself at an arms reach. Don't help me *kill* myself.

Lipo-6 it is.

Fine... I've god-damn had it. I'll trade one addiction for another. I'll sleep 4 hours a night and have palpitations and panic attacks. No, I like it when I wonder if this handful of pills is going to send me to the hospital. I'll have no choice but to go to the gym. It'll grab hold of me and drag me along like a rag doll. Coming off is a barrel of laughs too...

Everyone has got a god damn answer for me. Advice on the *best* way.
"Did you read..."
"Did you hear they..."
"Have you tried..."

Yes. Yes I probably have. Thanks though...self-righteous pricks. Having different genetics doesn't make you better than me, it makes you *luckier* than me.

• Friday
• Breakfast - 2c raisin bran w/ 1c milk (500 cal)
• Lunch - Chunky Chicken Gumbo soup (300 cal) *really* high in sodium.
• Snack - Myoplex Deluxe Protein bar (330 cal)
• Dinner - I went berserk... I'm just disgusted. This is what happens when I don't take my supplements before dinner! How about some personal responsibility?
  
• 4 salmon sashimi
• French onion soup
• White dinner roll
  
• 8oz fillet Mignon with Neptune crown, garlic mashed potatoes and buttered baby vegetables.
• Slice of Berry Cheese cake
• Coffee and Baileys
• 2 double spiced rum and ginger ale

• Saturday
• Breakfast - a slice left over harvest wheat pizza (300 cal)
• Lunch - 4 tsp antipasto, 12 crackers
• Dinner - We had a dinner party with some friends of ours. I had been wanting to cook this for months and it was a great time getting to put my new kitchen through the paces. Cooking it was way more fun than actually eating it. However, once again another social engagement that focuses on eating and drinking.
  
• Parmesan Cauliflower Soup
• Beer Braised Hoisin Short ribs
• Whipped Yukon gold potatoes with fresh chives
• stir fried snow peas with sesame seeds
• "Cava" gelatin parfait with raspberries.
• Snack - Various baked goods at least 3, a handful of chips or something, a couple crackers with antipasto.
  
• Drinks - It was St. Patricks day so we all had a "few"...
• 2 double spiced rum and ginger ale
• 2 Traditional Ale

• Sunday - back under control-ish
• Breakfast - Myoplex Protein bar = 330 cal
  
• Lunch - Grilled Chicken Sandwich (370 cal), Chicken Salad with 2tbsp lite Italian dressing (260 cal) Total = 630 cal
  
• Dinner - 2 beer braised short ribs, 1.5c whipped Yukon Gold Potatoes, 1c snow peas with sesame seeds, 1 chicken breast.
• Snack - Gahhhhh! Someone stop me! 2"x2" brownie, 1 2"x2" lemon pineapple square.

I finally just threw them all away. I now have a harsh no tolerance policy on destructive food in this house.

End of line.