All you can eat shame.

Update... I figure I either write something or delete this blog. I can't let it become another bloated corpse in the blogasphere.

So I fail... a lot.

Captain of the failboat.

I'm not sure if it is better for me to write about my lack of conviction with fitness and weight loss than it is for me to carry it around and use it as motivation. I'm pretty sure I can do both.

Vegas came and went and was a really good time for the most part. We had some trouble with folks getting sick (including one hospital visit), some people that wanted to play poker 18 hours a day, and some folks that didn't "get" Vegas. I'm pretty sure I'm just focusing on the negative so lets be clear 80% GREAT, 10% Meh, 10% Bored.

I was a big man for Vegas. I did not make my weight loss goals. In fact, as of the middle of April it wasn't even on my mind. I have actually gained weight. Thats right... 10lbs! Those were the 10 lbs that pushed me over the edge from husky to fat. I feel unhealthy and overweight. Yet I continue to eat because it dulls the shame I feel, just for a minute.

In one year I have gained 33lbs. It doesn't even feel like a real number.

I don't have a "cure all" plan this time. I think those are mostly fabrications anyway. The thing is,I don't just want to lose the weight I gained. I still have this ridiculous fantasy that I can get below 200lbs in short order for the summer and somehow save myself before winter comes again.

I could have a heart attack. Get type 2 diabetes. Have a stroke. Various organ failure. Apnea (which I already have). There are a host of benefits to taking it off. The least of which is that I will feel good again.

I'd like to say that I've finally hit the bottom, but I think the bottom in this case has a hatch leads to an entirely different bottom.

I won't ever get back to the bottom I was at in 2001. That psychotic, self destructive kamikaze killer attitude. Experimental diet pills? Yeah! give them here. 198 bpm heart rate? I'll be fine...

What I have gotten back to is the fear and dissatisfaction. I can see something new in my wife's eyes too, although she would never admit it. A sadness maybe, or disappointment. Maybe she feels cheated. Strangely I don't care as much as I should. I'm the one that needs to live with it... wheezing through the day.

So now I have my workout gear here at work and I'm going to get some exercise after work today. I'm stepping out to purchase the new edition of the Southbeach Diet because the only real weightloss success I've had to date has been on structured eating plans.

I'm just tired of going round and round with this. What else can I do but keep trying? This isn't a noble sacrifice, I'm not deluded.

I just want to get back to the bottom.